I Am Not My Past

I spend more time than I care to admit dwelling on the past and ruminating on the regrets of days gone by:  time = wasted, words = hurtful, actions = destructive.  After some thoughtful moments and researching web blogs/tidbits (www.productiveflourishing.com), I am reminded that I am not the choices I have made.  I am not the setbacks of yesterday. I am not my past!  *phew*

Today is a new day.  Tomorrow is a new year.  Each day, each moment, is a new beginning.  I am Grateful  for this chance to renew.  Renew my dreams, my focus, my energies into what my true intentions are.    Today I hope to spend some time meditating, contemplating, what I would like to see of myself in 2012.  There is always room for improvement and I am thankful for the continuous opportunity to try, try again.  

Free Will

In recent months, since my youngest has started her school (kindergarten) career, much time has been freed up.  I have spent a good amount of that time looking for work.  There has been a tug, of varied consistency and severity, from my husband to find something more stable and more financially beneficial than my current position as a substitute teacher at a local family solutions/daycare company.

I, too, have felt a tug of my own:  to return a more career oriented job.  After all, don't I want to put my years of college studies and degree to better use?  Don't I want to move up the career ladder toward my abandoned career of Speech Therapy?  There is a part of me that does.  A part of me that feels I may not be living up to my potential in terms of prestige and pride.  Am I avoiding stepping out because I am afraid of what I no longer remember or how rusty I have become (forgetting terms and pathologies of the simplest maladies)?  

Or am I simply happy where I am?  Do I simply not need more in my life right now.  My current job provides me with a fun and rewarding place to work, while allowing me to meet my personal goals of being a Present Mother.  I am home when they are home.  I am their primary care giver.  This is important to me.  I am where I want to be.  Isn't this enough?  Yes, for me it is.  If I set aside my assumptions about how other people may judge my decision as less than stellar, I feel good about my decision.  

And today's Gratitude is just this:  MY decision.  I have the free will to decide what I want to do for work and family.  With the support of my husband, family, very special friends, and, most importantly, my (practiced for years and finally getting there) ability to listen to my heart and go with my instincts, I know where I want to be and am o.k. with it.  I feel empowered by this.  And its a great feeling!

Ripples and a Bobber

Our family had the pleasure of spending a weekend at camp recently.  At one point, I was fishing FOR Grace who could not be bothered to sit and wait for her bobber to bob, especially when she had lobster left on her dinner plate!  I sat with book in lap and, initially, went through the motions of fishing for the sake of...well, not really sure why I bothered to step in.  At some point I put the book aside and made another cast.  The hook, crowded with kernals of corn, and the bobber fell a good distance away with my attentive cast.  I made the purposeful choice to watch...wait...and it turned into meditate.  It was surprisingly peaceful.  A purposeful activity of centering.  A soulful sit on the stairs to the water, waiting for the bobber to bob.  I watched for the ripples of the little fish nibbling her veggie below.  I may have even missed a few fish as I just let the ripples flow - which should have been my cue to jig and hook that bass.  I was grateful in that moment.  Grateful for the opportunity to sit, clear my mind, and watch the ripples and the bobber.

The Art of Letter Writing

I love writing letters.  I also love receiving them but the unfortunate truth is that Letter Writing is a lost art.  I continue to stay committed to this personal and intimate way of connecting with loved ones far and near.  My only intention is to bring a nugget of joy and love to the life of the receiver.  If I am to acquire a response, all the more surprising and uplifting.

Earlier this week, I spent a good part of a day cleaning/organizing our house.  We can be a bit cluttery (my own special word for us!) and it gets out of control in quick order.  I got to the bottom of the piles in our bedroom and was rewarded not only by the left over cleanliness but also by a wonderful find.  Saved within the stacks were letters from my Nana Ruth.  She, sadly, died of cancer May 15th of this year.  The correspondence was such a wonderful treasure to unearth from my messy life.  Her life is irreplaceable but I am so Grateful to have these letters to hold dear.  A reminder of her humor and her life and her love for me.

Summer Breeze

Today there is a light breeze in the summer air and it is so refreshing.  When the breezy goodness reaches me I feel lighter and cooler...even happier.  It takes my attention away from what I am doing, thinking, or worrying about and brings me into the moment of nature.  Centering.  Grounding.  My gratitude is for this breeze bringing me peace and happiness.

The title that came to me brought also to mind the music of my father.  When we were growing up there was always music blaring from the record player.  One of the bands my Dad used to play on the turntable was Seals & Crofts.  The 1972 song of theirs "Summer Breeze" popped into my head.  I looked up the lyrics and the "video" on youtube.  This experience brought a smile to my face as well...wonderful memories and a sweet song.  All this happiness from a breath of fresh summer air...a welcomed summer breeze!

Saltwater Morning

The smell.  The sites.  The ocean.  All in my own backyard.

I love living near the ocean.  There is something different about the air.  The salty aroma makes me want to take a deep breath and close my eyes for a moment.  Like a mini-vacation.  We live just a few moments time from the water and I feel so lucky.  We used to vacation here in the Portland area and now we can enjoy it each day.  The walks on Back Bay early in the morning are one of my favorite things to do!  It a lovely way to start the day.  So in that lies my daily gratitude:  the silver lining to having to move away from my friends and Bangor community four years ago...The Sea! *deep breath*

Rain is Falling

After nearly two weeks of record breaking heat and humidity, it is now sunny but comfortable.  In fact today we had a welcomed rainfall.  The temperature is a comfortable in the 70's and there is a light breeze.

My first gratitude is that the rain held off just long enough this morning for me to get in my three-mile walk around Back Bay.  Although I almost welcomed the adventure of getting rained on!  (maybe that will be another grateful adventure!)

My second gratitude is again for the rain in that it kept me inside to tend to my house.  I used it as an excuse to take a break from the garden and play go fish with the kids and get to that organizing that's always there looming...

A day off

Today is the first full weekday I have had off in three weeks.  It was almost overwhelming to decide what to do!! (could have worse problems, I know).  I did, however, and without much ado, settle into my gardening project.  Currently I am trying to lighten the load.  Over the last two years I have replanted and over-crowded my plants. The overall effect being - a mess.  While thinning it all out I found several flowers (echinacea, globe.....) that were under all the weeds and shaded by many other plants - all fighting for the little nutrients around the bed.

It felt good to give them space to breathe, hoping that I found the weak ones in time to revive and strengthen them.  I was reminded of how I feel when I get around to reorganizing or picking up the house.  The wide open spaces make me feel larger inside...tidier and secure.  Not so chaotic.  So far I am happy with what I have done.      There is much more to do but I feel that I am off to a great start!

Today's gratitude is (and there are actually two today) for my day off - an entire day to dedicate to the garden.  And also for the blessing of having my children behaving together outside - low maintenance kid day.

Cups of Tea

I truly enjoy a good cup of hot tea.  This morning, today's gratitude moment, I was up before everyone and was able to brew and enjoy a cup before my daughter beckoned me to her room.  It would be nice though to become more versed in my experience with tea however.  I grew up with Salada in the home, which is a fine tea, and who doesn't enjoy the little quips on the back of the tag?  :)  And mine, unfortunately, is often sweetened with aspartame.  (I have become addicted to the taste of it!)  But I know there are many different kids of tea and different ways to brew the tea than from a prepackaged- been-on-the-shelf-too-long kind of tea.  So maybe I will try some new things coming up soon.  Kids will be gone for a couple of weeks this summer so it will be an opportunity to partake in some delicious new flavors/brands without interruption!  Any suggestions?

The photo posted here today, reminds me of the tea I get at the Samoluk household.  Our good friends really know how to brew and serve it right!  Looking forward to another cup sometime soon!

Flatbread Experience

This evening my family, along with my sister and niece, went down to the Portland waterfront for a bite to eat.  Mike wanted us to experience the Flatbread Company for some fired, clay oven baked pizza.  Being right on the ocean is only the start of the greatness of this place.  It's rustic and lively dining room is quite engaging.  The eating area and the kitchen are quite literally one place.  We can see the brick oven fireplace, the decorated doughs scooped into the fire, and the product being prepared for delivery to our table.  The cooks can then see how much the patrons enjoy the eats!  Its wonderfully fun!

Today's gratitude is for this food experience and even more so that it was my husbands idea.  It is great to partake in the uniqueness of the wonderful seaside town that live in!

Learning more about this fascinating food company's history and locales were also part of the fun.  Please do so yourself here:  http://www.flatbreadcompany.com/FlatbreadHome2010.html

catch and release

Coming off of a four day weekend at camp there is lots to be grateful for.  Most of all the mini-vacation itself!  Camp is buggy and crittery and doesn't have a shower, BUT it is a place away from home on a beautiful lake where all I have to do is read (and occasionally feed the kids).  And to top it all off it is free!  thanks to my in-laws.  The kids went swimming and, thankfully, had no run-ins with bloodsuckers.  They LOVED fishing and luckily had no incidences with hooks in ears or fingers and such.  And now I am glad to be home to get have time to get my home in order for the coming week of work.  

The Love of a Parent

I often think about how my parents shaped my life.  I am most often proud of the wonderful job they did.  I am sometimes worried that I have let them down.  When I do well, I thank them.  When I stumble, I blame me, for not listening to their lessons.  Lessons that they have likely stated over and over again!!  Some lessons have sunk in ("With homework, as in life, there is always more to work on.").  Others I am still working on ("Let it go.").

I am Grateful today, and lots of other days, for the unconditional love of my parents.  Whatever I have done in the past, I feel loved.  For where I am now, I feel loved.  Wherever my life choices will take me, I am sure to feel loved.

Beach Day

When we moved here almost four years ago, it was a difficult time.  I was leaving a close circle of friends, including my Bestie.  We left a cozy community and some very special people in order for my husband to find a job.  I was depressed and lonely for some time.  The move did serve to bring my family closer together, however, and force me into self-reflection.  As time has passed we have realized that we are in a wonderful neighborhood with lots of caring and friendly folks and we have acclimated to our new home.  I often wish I could share all the things that I enjoy here with my friends from away.  One of which is being so close to the ocean.  This may be my favorite part of being here.  Within 10 minutes I can be exploring a sandy beach with the kids, watching my son jump the waves.  My daughter likes to people watch and dig in the sand.  I like to take pictures of them and watch the water carry the boats to and fro.

Today will be our first beach day this summer, heading to Pine Point.  I am packing up a lunch, towels, suits, and sunscreen.  The kids are excited and we will be meeting some friends there.  My plan is to be at the beach as much as possible this summer...to take advantage of my new home and all it's beauty and charm!  Today's Gratitude:  A new beginning brought about growth and ocean adventures!

Music

In the fourth grade at the Eastland Elementary School, I began playing the clarinet in Beginning Band.  My director Mr. Clifford will never be forgotten (I have even seen him in recent years relaxing at Peaks-Kenny State Park).  What a saint!!  All those little munchkins squeaking or blatting or desperately snare-drumming a "tune" like "Hot Cross Buns" or "When the Saints Go Marching In"...and my poor parents:  four long years of each child playing that same tune "hot cross bunsss....hot cross bunsss...one-a-penny two-a-penny hot cross bunssss" argh!  How do you ever get that our of your head??!!??!!  My involvement in music continued up through high school including various bands and choruses.  I am so proud of the many groups I was in and the awards it all brought.  Plus it was great fun and I learned so much...so much more than just about music...teamwork, responsibility, confidence, multi-tasking, just to name a few.  (And just to note my teachers/directors:  Mrs. Helen Morin for many years of clarinet and piano lessons.  Mr. Lancaster started up a chorus program in Corinna Jr High.  Mr. Clifford was at the head of the Nokomis Music Program!  Stellar job by both!)

Life has taken me in other directions and other than in college - where I took a one credit voice class and a semester in the Orono public choir - I have focused on other things.  One of them being children's music.  Through my jobs with children and having my own, my radio has taken quite a break on my adult stations.  Over the last few years I have been making a point to get back to my music.  I enjoy many different kinds:  adult alternative, classical, dance, some country, celtic, and truly kids music can make my heart smile.  I wonder if some day I will get back to an instrument, maybe piano, my clarinet, or voice.  Time will tell.  For now, today Gratitude is that I have time to play some yahoo radio, sing along while I organize my house.  I may even stop to dance a bit!  :)  Music is Life.  Life is Music.  

Time to think

Thinking time is regrouping time.  I need to have better intentions tomorrow...or just more patience.  The children seem to be wired for trouble.  Lots of discord and squabbling. Mostly of it is saved just for our time at home.  They have behaved for a birthday party and out to dinner with extended family but are falling apart for mom and dad.  It is trying.  It is draining.  It wears a mommy down.

When sitting here thinking about what to be grateful for today my mind wanders to the approach I will take to any undesirable behaviors tomorrow.  I am grateful for this time to take a breath, regroup, and make a plan.  Make my intention clear about the kind of day I want to have tomorrow and how to get that.  We shall see what the day has in store.  My mind will be set on the Peace of a Sunday off with my family.  

Reflections of a Friendship

"A Friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same."  *Elbert Hubbard

"A single rose can be my garden...a single friend, my world."  *Leo Buscaglia

"A friendship can weather most things and thrive in thin soil; but it needs a little mulch of letters and phone calls and small, silly presents every so often - just to save it from drying out completely."  *Pam Brown

Today's Gratitude:  My friends!

My friends are those who are thoughtful, accepting, supporting, and forgiving.  They are those who call, always just at the right time, and know me enough to show me perfectly in their thoughtfulness.  I am blessed by them and my life is enriched by their being.  I thank you, my dearest friends, for being just as you are - perfect for me!

Braveheart

So grateful for today's courageous moments! 

Grace:  Super brave at the dentist!  Also, strong and confident all the way across the monkey bars - unassisted! So proud of herself too!

David:  Taking eye drops for conjunctivitis!  It clearly freaks him out but we have to do it four blessed times a day!  hang in there buddy!

Me:  Planning a playground tour (it's like a pub crawl, teehee) which involved stepping out of the box and trying a new approach to lazy sunny summer day!

out of pocket

Last year we paid $1500 out of pocket for some dental work for David.  It was a quite a wallop on our already thin wallet!  It got paid but not easily.  We didn't have dental insurance then but the tooth repair was imperative.  This year [here's the bad news] he needed three more fillings.  (They lessened my guilt of being a mother with a multiple-cavity child with an explanation of the deep pits in his teeth - an issue of genetics...mmmmkay.)  But this year, [the good news - and my daily Gratitude] we have insurance!!!  It makes for a completely different experience!  Less money goes out...Less stress comes in.  I have my husbands new job again to thank for this.  Grace goes for her cleaning and x-rays tomorrow...we'll see how grateful she is to be there!

Up at Dawn

Seriously?!?!  I ask myself this at 5:15 this morning.  My eyes are open and I feel rested but it is much too early to be awake - on a vacation day - for no reason.  For nearly 35 minutes, I wish myself back into slumber...it's not going to happen.  So I decide to get up.  The children are seemingly still deep in dreamland.  My husband...always deep in dreamland until much later into the morning!  

And what's to follow is today Gratitude:  I tiptoe into the kitchen with my current read under my arm.  I brew a cup of tea and spread a few graham crackers with peanut butter and find my husbands slippers.  With my arms full of a few of my favorite things, I set up in the backyard with the early birds and the morning sun. Great way to start the day!  and a it's a Monday! 

Off to a Great-ful Start

My first post.  It's Fathers Day.  I am alone at home with a sunny backyard and a book awaiting me.  My husband is on the road with our two children to his parent's camp in Litchfield.  How this ended up happening is a miracle that I will gladly accept.  

My daily gratitude is this:  Today I am working my last shift at my weekend job and will have much more time to focus on my family.  I am also thankful for my husbands new job that he loves and that gave him enough of a raise to allow me to quit my job.